Building A Strong Support System: How To Manage Stress Part 1

Being a mother is a wonderful experience for many, but motherhood comes with its own unique set of challenges that are often unexpected, especially for new moms. There can be overwhelming, emotional, and stressful parts of becoming a mother. Building a strong support system is just one of three ways to manage stress in this three part blog series. Having a strong support system is so important when managing stress, particularly as a new mom and can be the foundation for feeling more balanced. Learn about the importance of support and contact from others during the perinatal period and how it can positively impact the overall experience.

Why Support Systems Matter

Whether you are pregnant, postpartum, or well into motherhood, support systems matter. If we are surrounding ourselves with negative people, or no one at all, it can often lead to automatic negative self-talk such as "No one cares," and then we are left feeling lonely, sad, angry, and depressed. Alternatively, when we are feeling down, we typically have less contact with others, even purposely avoid people, or end up surrounded by negative people. Depression or Anxiety symptoms can also result in more irritability, less tolerance for others, less talkative or energetic, more sensitive, and less trusting of others. So...does limited supportive contact with others lead to a down mood, or does a down mood lead to less contact with supportive people? Probably a bit of both. There is a close relationship between mood and contact with others. This is why a positive support system matters, especially when managing stress as a mom, because it can be so easy to slip into a vicious cycle.

So how do we break this vicious cycle between negative emotions and contact with others? It is important to recognize the different supportive people in your life and identify the type of support they can provide you. A new mom might reach out to someone in their support system for practical support, advice or information, companionship, or emotional support.

• Practical Support: take you to the hospital, clean/wash dishes, babysit, lend you something

• Advice or Information: when you don't know something or are worried about something new

• Companionship: take a walk with you, play dates, teach baby new things

• Emotional Support: encouragement, validation, shoulder to cry on, comfort and love on baby

Think about what type of help your support system can offer you. Not everyone can offer the same type of support, and that's okay. Would you seek emotional support from an acquaintance? or companionship from a coworker? Is practical support best sought out by friends or family? Who are you going to ask for advice or information? Do you trust the source? Think about each of these questions and identify who is in your support system. Your support system can include more than just your friends and family. How does your OBGYN support you? or your kid's Pediatrician? Do you have a mental health provider, church community, or positive work environment? They are all part of your support system! We will talk next about identifying the people in your support system and how this can help you evaluate who can you lean on, trust, and ask for help. Maybe there are gaps or missing areas in your support system. Recognizing these things will help you in expanding your support system as needed in order to increase positive contacts to support positive mental health and stress management.

"This transition to motherhood can often induce unexpected stress since you don't have the same energy, time, or priorities as you did prior to becoming a mother. That's completely normal."

Identifying Your Support System

Everyone varies on how large their support system is and who is in it, but in general, there are different layers to a support system. Just as we talked about above, not everyone can offer the same type of support and that's okay. Each person or group of people can be in your life for very different reasons. There are people who you can share your thoughts and feelings, whether good or bad, but others who you might be able to talk to about some things, but not everything. There's also those who maybe you enjoy doing things with or engage in activities, but don't necessarily talk a lot about your life or what's going on for you personally. Then you have acquaintances that you say "hello" to or nod as you pass by; medical or healthcare providers; distant family or friends; or those within a larger community such as neighbors, church, or organizations that you know on a different level than those closest to you. Remember the different types of support someone can offer: practical support, advice or information, companionship, emotional support.

When reflecting, you may notice there are gaps or missing areas of support in your system. That's very common! There are ways of expanding your support system, by meeting new people. This can be a challenging task though if you are feeling down, exhausted from pregnancy, overwhelmed by postpartum, or stretched thin as a working mom. A great way to connect with others is by doing something you genuinely enjoy in the company of others. Even if you don't find someone you'd like to bond with right away, you'll still have spent time doing something that brings you joy, making the experience feel fulfilling. When your focus is on the activity itself, rather than solely on meeting new people, it can ease the pressure and allow connections to develop more naturally. This gentle approach helps you enjoy the moment without feeling like you've wasted time or energy. It's all about finding comfort in the shared experience, and sometimes, that's all you need to start feeling more connected.

Starting this process though can feel overwhelming and you may feel stuck on where to even start. Here are some ideas of places where you can start meeting new people and strengthen your support system!

• Church/Place of worship

• Prenatal Clinics

• Childcare places

• Parks

• Volunteering

• Moms Groups

"Mama, it's okay to ask for what you need."

Communicating Needs Effectively To Manage Stress

So now we know how contact with others and mood have a reciprocal relationship, and we have identified who is in our support system, what type of support they provide, and areas of growth to strengthen our support system as needed. But how do we communicate needs effectively so we can actually lean on our support system? There are different types of communication styles that are important to understand and setting boundaries is imperative. Communication styles can affect mood and relationships with others because different communications styles are effective in different situations. Think about it this way - if you are trying to lean on someone to provide the support you need, then you have to be able to ask for this support in a way that increases the chances that you will get the support you are looking for. To communicate our needs to others, we need to be able to talk about how we feel and what we need from them.

Let's look at the 3 Communication Styles:

1. Passive: avoidance of sharing thoughts, feelings, or opinions in order to please or appease others

2. Aggressive: expressing your thoughts, feelings, or opinions often in a demanding, confrontational, or even abusive manner

3. Assertive: verbalizing thoughts, feelings, or opinions clearly and directly, respecting others in a non-threatening way

While different communications may seem right in different situations, typically, an assertive style respects both the other's wishes and your own wishes, resulting in a higher likelihood of getting your needs met. Now, this does not guarantee we get what we want; that's where compromising and boundary setting come into place. Moms, and women in general, can often get in a habit of taking care of everyone else's needs, that asking for help for themselves is such a foreign concept. Let me be the one to tell you. Mama, it's okay to ask for what you need. Steps to asking for help:

1. Identify what you need.

2. Identify who you can ask to meet this need. (remember the different types of support someone can provide and who is in your support system)

3. Communicate in a direct, clear, and respectful manner.

4. Respect the other person's right to say "no". (this may be them setting a boundary for themselves)

5. Be willing to compromise.

6. Find another solution or different support person to ask (if necessary).

Communicating needs effectively, compromising, and setting boundaries are not easy tasks. If anything, each one is a feat by itself. So, this might take some practice. Just as you are adjusting to becoming a mom and having a baby, this is part of the changes of your identity and role. When our role changes, our relationships with others change too. This transition can often induce unexpected stress since you don't have the same energy, time, or priorities as you did prior to becoming a mother. That's completely normal. You don't have to have it together all the time & you don't have to be supermom. You are human. As your identity and role changes, think about how you can change the way you communicate your needs, compromise, and set boundaries that are beneficial to your new season of life.

Building and maintaining a strong support system is a crucial part of managing stress, especially in motherhood. Surrounding yourself with people who offer practical, emotional, informational, and companionship support can create a positive cycle, helping you feel more grounded and less overwhelmed. In Part 2 of this series, we’ll explore how developing helpful thinking patterns can reshape your mindset, building on the foundation of the support you’ve established. By learning to challenge negative thoughts and focus on more balanced thinking, you can further reduce stress and increase your resilience. Remember, wherever you are on this journey, you deserve support, care, and understanding. It's okay to ask for help and set boundaries that protect your mental health. No matter the challenges, you're not alone in this.